on full expression

You’ve probably noticed me start to use this space in a different way. I thought it was time for me to bring you along to why and let you in on my process as that’s how I’ll be using it moving forward (don’t worry, the gratuitous sunsets and goat pics aren’t going away).
I’m on a deep, intense journey with a couple of teachers that resonate with the work I’ve been doing for years. Since I was little, I’ve been drawn to something bigger. It took me a long time to be able to name what that is.
I think, like a lot of people classified as ‘creative’ (I believe we are all creative and creating), I felt like an outcast and a misfit. I felt like if I could just do all the right things to fit in and be liked, life could be very different without the feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. These beliefs became increasingly uncomfortable over the years, especially in corporate life. I was different, I didn’t ‘belong’. And it didn’t matter what I wore or drove or who I was friends with. I simply didn’t care about the things others did.
I had spent many years in therapy untangling things from my childhood and patterns that limited my ‘performance’ like procrastination. Perfectionism was the diagnosis given and knowing the why helped, even if the pattern never really shifted. It at least got me hooked into figuring out how to steer my life in a direction where I felt I had more influence over what happened.
The next big reason I sought out professional help was relationships. At the core, I believed that if I could just find the right guy, I would finally feel that sense of belonging in the world, everyone would also see me as lovable and accept me by proxy leading to a lifetime of external validation! Oy. There were a lot of other erroneous beliefs about relationships beneath the surface that I’m sure I’ll get to later.
A decade of over-giving and co-dependency ensued. Each relationship (or situationship) a mirror of where I was on the map, all showing me places where I wasn’t free. Ultimately, what I thought the quest of ‘getting’ a relationship was, turned out to be just about freedom.
I’m not talking about the politicized rights ‘freedom’ conversation. I’m talking about the kind of freedom that people like Nelson Mandela and Viktor Frankl experienced despite being stripped of every right and possession. I’m talking about internal peace and connection to a deep knowing- the deep down where we know everything is okay, perfect even.
I don’t believe this is a destination or a goal. I think it is a lifelong journey and one that doesn’t look very clear and a lot of the time isn’t even enjoyable. There is a lot of loss on this path- loss of identity, loss of our idea of ‘control’ and loss of those around us that may not understand or join us.
About 5 years ago, I shifted from working with therapists to working with coaches and teachers. I started to find that I was ready to leave a lot of the story and circumstances behind and I wanted to take responsibility for my patterns, energy, reactions and behavior (another lifelong body of work). I found that coaches showed me a different standard and I spent the last several years of free time on this work with them and on my own using the tools I learned.
It was my dream to spend all of my time on this discovery process and that’s essentially what I do now. I’m reorienting out of goal/achievement/productivity into creation/full expression and full honor of my body. Much of my time is spent being taught/coached and some spent coaching others.
So this space is used now as a place of full self expression- no matter how much sometimes it feels uncomfortable and vulnerable to show so much of myself to so many. I want to share my process and journey with those who want to hear about it. Not everything I write will be comfortable for everyone and that’s okay. Therein lies the beauty of the ‘unfollow’ button.