on problem seeking
I can stare at a pristine ceiling and find the dirt speck and I can see across the room if a painting isn’t level or if a tile wasn’t lined up perfectly.
This is my programming and in some ways my nature- find what’s wrong in any situation and fix it. Create a workback plan, tackle it, find the satisfaction in completion and the validation from others. This trait has served me really well in my corporate and design careers.
Except recognition never comes in exactly the right way, never from the right people and it’s never enough. ‘Fixing’ one thing, especially when it comes to space and construction, usually creates a new ‘problem.’ Space is never done and there’s no credit to be had.
I have a way of seeking out and creating problems in my personal life too. My life was significantly more chaotic for the first 30 years than it has been for the last 6. I inherited some of it and created a helluva lot of it. Chaos and problems were familiar, comfortable, exciting. Drama runs in my blood.
And at some point, I knew if I were to have the life I really wanted, I was going to have to give up my addictions to this cycle of creating panic, distress and pain. I was going to have to be willing to HAVE a content life, not just dream of it.
Have you ever thought of how it will feel to HAVE what you think you want?
There’s a sense of being the dog that catches the bumper of the car. Now what?
My system is still unwinding gritty little spots where I want to reject the good. BUT THERE HAS TO BE A PROBLEM. The identity of problem solver is dying and it’s uncomfortable.
Have you ever noticed how few good, healthy, balanced, truly intimate relationships there are in shows and movies? Good ones would be bad tv- steady nervous systems, no explosive fights, no raised voices, no badmouthing of each other to children, parents or friends.
Love and life can be simple. I treated it as a problem to be solved for so long.
I used to have such a fear of ‘boredom’ (aka: lack of problems) in a safe and steady relationship. But there is nothing boring in true connection. There are spontaneous dance parties. Belly laughs. New adventures and decisions. Talking through fears and dreams. It’s simple, but never boring.
When Chris and I met over 4 years ago, neither of us could hold what we have now. I was a drama creator and tested his interest at every step. I did everything I could to sabotage what I could feel to the depths of my heart- that we were GOOD together. That things could be simple, true and without problems.
I’m still playing out this pattern of problem seeking in myself but I’m feeling it leaving. No effort needed. I had to watch it happen like a slow moving car crash many times before I could reparent myself out of it. (Thanks to my teachers for the guidance and language here). But at some point, it’s become too expensive to keep at it. Chris doesn’t entertain it- he won’t meet me in that place, won’t collude with me in my self pity. In my ‘sober moments’ I have always applauded this and knew I needed someone who wouldn’t go with me there. We continue what is rewarded.
I don’t have a bow to wrap this up in- just a share of musings for a Wednesday.