On transition

I was laid off six weeks ago from my corporate job of 9 years.

I wanted this lay off and asked for it specifically for many reasons: I hadn’t believed in the mission of the company for many years, the work was not in alignment with who I am and, most importantly, I have many other things I want to spend my time, energy and attention on.

The more I work on getting into constant and continuous alignment with who I am, the more impossible it was becoming to even do the bare minimum of my role. My physical body would not comply.

For the first time in my life, I do not owe anyone my time or attention to be able to survive. This is wonderfully freeing AND this is terrifying to my programming. The programming does not like being unplugged from The Matrix. It flails about, especially late at night, wanting to be plugged back into corporate culture complete with a neat little set of perks. It misses Zoom call schedules, complaining with coworkers and empty accomplishments. It misses free trips and dreadfully boring dinners and parties. It loves being part of a highly recognizable club. It wants to know it will be able to stay asleep well into the future- on autopilot. It does not like options.

And it definitely does not like me posting this. If I keep this all to myself, I’m free to plug back in at any time with no one knowing.

Early this year, I planned on leaving in June to start a business and then Covid hit. I know now that if I had left one business for another, I’d end up in the same place- burnt out, over-burdened and exhausted- trading my energy, attention and time for money.

My work now is to sit with the discomfort of unplugging, to examine the foundation of beliefs that have me pumping and using my creativity for profit. All the egoic structures that want titles and recognition over alignment. I will just take all the time it takes. (Even writing that there’s a scared voice that says no! there’s a timeline! This can’t go on forever!)