on yearning and havingness

I used to long for this life. 

So much so that I got addicted to the yearning. 

It has a particular frequency- it feels really addictive. I heard it described once as running slow motion in the rain. 

The addiction to this feeling kept me stuck and unable to have what I actually wanted. 

I could just listen to sad songs and cry to friends and bathe in the mud of ‘what’s wrong with me that I cannot have what I want?’

Untangling the web of beliefs and patterns that kept me there is more than a post to write. 

But this piece came apart for me recently- that I no longer live there. I can have. Everything. It’s all for me, and anything that isn’t here is either on its way or I’m blocking myself from having it. 

Sometimes the blocks look like not wanting to alienate myself from others with the size of my life. Sometimes they look like not seeing the full possibilities. 

And sometimes it’s just the sheer addiction to the longing.