on motherhood (3)
Just wait until you’re a parent
I heard this all the time- basically you’ll understand my *insert the blank* behavior when you’ve got this responsibility.
I’m finding it to be true but maybe not the way it’s intended.
I’m seeing all the places where if I had not been ready to hold this position of Mother, I would just be repeating behaviors of past generations and mothering modeled everywhere
How I could be jealous of my daughter
How I could want to live my dreams through her
How I could want her to fawn and be pleasing to me
How I could want to punish and disapprove of her humanity and her mistakes because I don’t approve of my own
How I could project all of my hopes and dreams on her
How I could feel victimized by having to care for her 24/7
How I could resent her for the changes to my body, to my life
How I could make every milestone about me
How I could sell her out to make myself look a certain way to others
How I could expect unconditional love but not know how to give it in return
And I’m sure these things will come up as she grows- over and over.
My adult has to run my behavior and my words at every step.
The younger parts of me that don’t feel seen or loved are my responsibility, not hers.
The parts of me that wish I’d done things differently are mine, not hers.
This is not about perfection - mothers are by nature human and therefore imperfect-but this is about putting careful awareness and attention here.
When I found out we were having a girl, it was a bit stunning. Not just because I’d thought we were having a boy (Chris was right since day one!) but because of the massive weight of the responsibility of raising a woman in this world.
Not to mention a woman of color.
It was one thing to think about having a baby, quite another to think about having a daughter.
Was I capable of being a mother to her?
Was I capable of putting all of those feelings aside I mentioned before- jealousy, control, resentment, perfectionism, projection? Mothers and daughters have historically complicated relationships - would i be able to create an exception?