on pride and motherhood (2)
On a walk with Selene yesterday a beautiful older woman stopped to meet her
‘Oh a new baby- lovely- what’s her name?’
‘Selene’
‘Oh that’s perfect. how old is she?’
‘Just 7 weeks’
‘so new- you’ve recovered well!’
‘Yes I feel good- spent most of that time in bed resting, we’re just getting out more now’
‘Oh… you worked hard for her didn’t you?’ in the softest voice
This question broke something open in me. We finished our conversation and parted and I’ve been feeling the impact of that chat ever since. Yes I worked so hard for her. For a lifetime.
I’ve always always wanted to be a mom.
This has been such a soft spot in my life. A place I didn’t even let anyone see for many years- it was too vulnerable and didn’t fit with my strongheld identity of being independent and needing no one. I ascribed to the idea that me wanting motherhood meant that I was lesser than someone who had a strong desire for a C-suite career. I equated motherhood with martyrdom and victimhood- someone who self sacrificed way more than I would ever be willing to.
This desire was too fraught with fears and what-ifs. What if I couldn’t have a child? What if I never met a partner who wanted this with me? What if I wasn’t strong enough physically? (this one continued throughout my pregnancy)
Having and holding this life that I want is what my teacher would call ‘an advanced pose’. It has a new vulnerability- my heart outside my body, so much to lose, so much out of my control.
It’s better than I could have even imagined.
I rarely allow myself much pride. And a baby in itself is not an accomplishment or an acquisition.
But the work I’ve done to get to the place where I could be in healthy relationship to having a child, having a partnership that supports and holds the dynamic that I actually never witnessed anywhere else, that is an accomplishment. I unwound so many patterns, so many addictions, lost so many identities. I shifted beliefs about productivity and rest, beliefs about motherhood. I have a different, always work in progress, relationship with my body.
And I am proud- I worked hard for her.