on control

I’ve been looking at all the ways control shows up in my life.

I’m not talking about others controlling me (and I’d argue no one can, but that’s maybe for another post).

I’m talking about me trying to:

keep things together

keep others happy

keep appearing a certain way

I see this pattern show up most obviously in vacationing mothers.

I watch them at the beach or in restaurants around town managing everyone else’s experiences: honey, do you need your goggles? Don’t forget your fill-in-the-blank. No, we’re doing this next.

Maybe someone has made them feel this way- but, more than likely, they’ve created this all on their own with the help of some childhood programming and modeling by their own caretakers.  Even if their partners do hold them responsible, they are choosing this dynamic.

Ultimately, they are using control to avoid their own real feelings of overwhelm and fear:

what happens if it all falls apart?

what if no one has a good time?

what if it doesn’t look like we had a good time?

what if something happens to these precious humans I love so much?

The stress is palpable.

When do they get a vacation?

But when we’re trying to manage and control others experiences, feelings and how we are perceived, there is no time off.

There are layers of how this shows up in my life, all ‘normal’ by society’s standards.

wanting everyone on social media to like what I have to say

wanting my guy to spend his time a certain way

trying to ensure my friends feel cared for

       Wanting my body to heal differently or faster

I’m sure lots of other ways that escape me at the moment

This is a whole lot more subtle than the big ways I used to try to control, strategize and manipulate but as I peel away the layers, even the little ways become exhausting.

Freedom to me is reclaiming all of that energy trying to control back for myself. Putting it back into my creativity, into the ways I’m meant to show up in this short life. Giving up control means a sigh of relief and relaxation in my body.