on motherhood (1)

Selene Jade- ten days old, growing at mind warping speeds, changing every day, still so tiny.  As hungry as I expected.  Seems to really see me for the first time since her birthday today.

Feels like she’s been here forever.

Body recovering, so slowly, achey and bruised. Still more me than pregnancy felt. A fog lifted the day after. I sleep better, I can eat normally again. Boobs are massive and needy. I love that they feed her completely.

I need so much help and it’s all been provided. Beautiful support by my husband, Heather, my best friend, and countless friends and family reaching out and sending gifts and love from afar.

People supported us by lighting candles during my labor. I didn’t cry when she was born- I was too in shock that the hours of pushing were over- but I cried seeing the messages of love and lit candles.

My husband, now a dad- this baby so content in his arms- calming him as the midwives worked to stop the bleeding. He sings poop songs as he changes diapers. His heart expanding in front of me, missing each other too.

Him calling me sexy the day after birth, his involuntary tears with my labor screams- I’m just in awe of his love. Even though I always knew at some level he was this devoted, to live it, to be receptive to this, to hold this- it’s indescribable.

I get impatient, tired of being in bed, wishing everyone did things just the way I would do them, my critic is alive and well. And I know this exists to avoid gratitude- the gravity of this moment, this love, this finely tuned attention to my evolving body and it’s endless needs.

So much to process, I’ll leave this bit here for now. Motherhood is as much a part of me as anything I’ve ever known. I don’t have to, I get to.