my birth story
Selene’s (and my) birth story 3/1/22
Written March 20- April 1 2022:
The lead-up:
For weeks I had lots of practice contractions. They would be sporadic during the day and then during her ‘witching hour’ from 5-8 or 9, they’d ramp up in quantity but not be reliable in frequency or duration. They felt like my abdomen was being vacuum sealed. Not painful, but not exactly comfortable. As forty weeks (2/28) came closer, I would have more of them where sometimes I’d time them. When my midwife said they were just a tiny taste of what to expect, I thought Oh well you don’t know some of these are rather intense. I had a handful over the last several days that felt like they were opening my cervix and I wanted to get into a squat position. They felt almost good- relational to an orgasm but also took my focus and breath. Some i’d feel coming in on in my head. They made my mind go blank, like I had tunnel vision and everyone and everything around me would get muted. It almost felt like thinking you’re the only drunk person at a party. About 5-7 days before she arrived I had a night that I just couldn’t get comfortable and I wondered if I would wake up to contractions or broken water.
The prep:
We hired a dear friend and talented photographer, Heather Manwaring to attend my birth and act as documentarian and postpartum doula. I wanted someone there not just for me but for Chris as my midwives would be focused on me and the baby. Knowing that many first labors can be multiple day events, I wanted someone to be sure that Chris was eating and taking rests as needed. I also wanted to have the full arc of pregnancy, birth and postpartum documented in photos, not just formal photoshoots but the candid moments as well.
The Wednesday before, Heather arrived and I picked her up from the airport. The next few days were a blur: putting together hospital bags- just in case- and cooking. I didn’t have much energy and felt huge. I had pubic symphysis pain starting back in December and it was killing me- hard to walk far, hard to turn over in bed, hard to get into the car. I had terrible congestion my whole pregnancy and frequent nose bleeds. Heartburn slowed at the end of my pregnancy, thankfully, when I finally discovered cutting out cheese helped but it was still a factor to my discomfort. I had some swelling of my feet and shins and getting up from seated or squatting was super difficult. I could only eat small meals at a time but was still eating in the middle of the night to keep my blood sugar stable.
Saturday we got dressed up and went to Mount Tabor for a photo shoot. Chris kept us laughing and he hiked back up to the car for us so I wouldn’t have to climb. We did an additional shoot at home which was really intimate and sweet. I had tears looking at Chris and thinking how far we’d come and how I had waited and worked so many years for this moment- to be a mama, to be in a happy and healthy relationship, to be seen in this way in front of the camera without much awkwardness. To receive this full life.
Due Date
On Monday we loaded up on groceries for postpartum meals. The cashier asked when the baby was due and I got to say ‘today!’ We’d gone to the midwife, Sara, appointment that morning and she offered to do a cervical check but I declined feeling like I’d just be either frustrated by it if there was no dilation or overly worked up if there was some. I knew it didn’t really indicate timing anyway. I was sure I had another week to go based on first births being typically ‘late’ and my mom’s births all being multiple weeks ‘overdue.’ She said she’d make me an acupuncture appointment and I was supposed to make an ultrasound appointment which I wasn’t excited about doing. I made time with my acupuncturist for that wednesday. I hit 202 lbs. My pulse was still high and baby’s was normal.
We toasted that evening to making it to her due date (with Chris saying we’ll celebrate when she’s here) and had a steak dinner. Contractions happened as they had been- more frequent during the dinner hour and after. I had a date or two (supposed to shorten labor) and bounced on the yoga ball. I did an inversion on the couch to give baby room to get into position. It was so normal to have sporadic contractions throughout the evening I didn’t think much of it.
I remember one when I was sitting at the kitchen island where I could feel the pressure in my lungs and forehead and it felt like my brain went offline for a second. Like being the only drunk one in the room- I was in my own world for a moment.
While getting ready for bed, I felt a very mild backache come on and mentioned it. It felt too mild to be associated with labor in my mind and I dismissed it. We went to bed as normal- around 9:30/10 or so. Heather was making beef bone broth that would need a reset very late and she said she’d stay up for it.
I’d asked Chris to turn the TV down earlier and then when we were in bed, asked him to turn his phone volume down. It annoyed him I was always wanting him to be quiet -his words- he wouldn’t tell me this at the time, though, and just declined cuddling and turned over and slept.
Up until that night of the 28th, contractions would slow and stop after I got into bed. That night though they continued. I timed them and they were still disorganized- 7 minutes apart, then 10 then 13 then 7. I fell asleep for a bit and was woken up by a contraction which had never happened before. I timed them again for a few but they were still uneven so I tried to sleep again. I remember rolling towards Chris- something hard to do then because of the pubic pain. I probably slept from 11-1am before another contraction woke me. They still didn’t feel all that intense- just uncomfortable and maybe a little more pinchy. I must have dozed on and off at that point until about 3am. I had a couple more intense ones that had me squirming and I decided I didn’t want to do any more alone. Chris was supposed to have an early morning meeting and needed prep time for it so I was hesitant to wake him in case it was a false alarm. I was also stubborn since we’d gone to bed annoyed at each other, but I didn’t feel I had a choice at that point. I had gone to the bathroom and seen lights on so Heather must have still been up. I woke Chris around 3:30.
Labor
He was disoriented and asked what I needed and I said I had no idea what I needed. It seemed like everything I had prepped or learned just went out the window. When the next contraction hit, I held onto him in a dancing position and we timed it- they quickly dropped to every 3 minutes. He ran a bath and asked about calling Sara. He was going to text her and I said let’s wait until 4:30- till it’s been an hour of these. I said to wait to wake Heather until later too since she’d been up so late. I got in the bath. The contractions were really intense - I couldn’t talk through them- just moan and squirm. The water felt good but I didn’t like feeling confined in the bath.
We called Sara. She listened to me have a couple contractions, gave encouragement and said I was going to have a whole bunch of hours just like this- which felt impossible already- to think of going on just like this for hours. But I tried to remember to just stay in the one that was happening. Some were a full 2 minutes long and so there were no real breaks in between them. Sara said she’d call one of her assistants and they’d come around six.
Chris texted my dear friend Morgan to tell her to send the message that we were in active labor. A week or so beforehand, I’d emailed all of the women in my life and asked them to light a candle when I was in labor send good energy. I wanted to feel the ‘tribe’ from a distance.
I got out of the tub and I think I sat on the toilet a while. I tried the ball and leaning against the bed but holding onto Chris was all I wanted. He’d gotten Heather up at this point. We did one trip downstairs- I had asked Chris prior to keep me moving because I knew I wouldn’t want to- and I had a major contraction and I think I immediately wanted to be back upstairs. I drank some smoothie at some point. I got in bed and Chris tried putting pressure on my hips in different ways. He tried the massage gun. The contractions were becoming more and more unbearable. I got up and puked up all of the smoothie. I remember thinking ‘could this be transition already?’ But I didn’t want to get my hopes up that it could be that quick. I wanted to know what time it was but didn’t want to be disappointed if it had only been a short time. Chris wanted to go move the truck for the midwives to park easier but I wouldn’t let him leave- they can figure it out! Heather graciously cleaned up the vomit all over the water closet.
I got back in bed and Chris held me while I screamed. I could tell I was screaming really loud and right into his ear but I needed to - it seemed like if I yelled loud enough, I could match the level of the pain and then it wasn’t as intense. I could be more with the scream than the pain. It was a weird state to be in, very difficult to describe or remember well. I was clinging to Chris’s neck and it registered at some point that he was crying. He said later that every time I screamed he would have involuntary tears running down his cheeks.
There were a lot of different voices at play in my head. The quiet observer- higher self- she was reassuring, calm and encouraging me to do whatever I needed to do- told me I was prepared for this, that my body knew what to do and everyone around me was there for me and baby and I was supported.
The ‘good girl’ voice was there- wanting to shield everyone else and be in control and look good and take care of everyone else. She was telling me I was yelling too loud, that I should let other people take breaks, that I should angle my body differently, and not to make that ugly face. She said I was being too much and that other people don’t scream like this, that I was doing it wrong. She was hyper aware. of how she’d be perceived. Would Chris still be attracted to her after this? Do people think she’s faking it? What if labor slows down and this is all a waste of everyone’s time?
There was the birth student making notes- ‘this feels really different than I thought, I need to remember this’ (spoiler alert, I can’t). And ‘wow, interesting that I do not want any sort of medication right now even as intense as this is. I don’t even want to think about going to the hospital or dealing with people- that sounds horrible. I know I have to go all the way through this, that nothing can take it away or make it ‘easy’.
Also the annoying logical brain voice was present- ‘you have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow’ and lots of other little logistical things that didn’t matter or make sense in the moment.
My inner child showed up strongly around transition. I was crying without tears and saying ‘I don’t wanna. I can’t. I won’t. I don’t wanna!’ I could hear myself and it was such a young part of me that just didn’t want to go through it.
At one point I could feel both of my late grandmothers strongly. I thought about all of the women before me who didn’t get to have this experience- who were alone and scared or put under anesthesia, who had disembodied births. I had fleeting moments of gratitude.
When Sara and Chastity showed up, I was fully screaming in bed. Sara came up close and said the most beautiful validation- ‘I think we’re on the fast track here!’ But she still had to check. I was already starting to bear down some at the end of contractions. I heard one of the midwives notice it. Sara checked and said I was at a 9.
The order of events gets fuzzy here. I think I went to the toilet and labored there for a few contractions. Then went to the tub. Chris stayed out of the water for now and held me from outside. This was when I was crying and saying I couldn’t do it. The pressure was so intense. I was starting to push but it felt like I was hitting a brick wall. I wanted to squirm out of my body. Sara was coaching me to push into where it was the most pressure. I kept shying back from it. She checked me again- I don’t know how long it had been- 45? an hour? And said there was a small lip and she stayed inside me to push it out of the way while I pushed. I hated this. After another while she asked if I wanted her to break water and I asked pros and cons. She kept thinking and saying they would release soon and they were holding strong. So I said go ahead- the cons weren’t compelling at that point- mostly risk of infection if things went on a long time but they thought I was well beyond this.
The whole time I was pushing up to this point I kept feeling like it should be easier- that I had seen all of the videos and the one birth in Hawaii of just a couple of pushes and if I were doing it ‘right’ it shouldn’t be so hard. Also because the dilation had taken such a fast track, I feel this should be quicker too. (This is rather errant thinking- most first births take about this long to push).
At some point in the tub they brought me ice chips. Im not sure why not just water. Some of the chips were huge and I had to spit them out. I always had my eyes closed to try and stay internally focused but I was all too aware of how many eyes were on me. The inflatable tub sprang a leak at one point too and they had to work to patch it which was annoying and distracting.
I could just feel this waiting energy from everyone in the room- like a watched pot and Sara kept trying to coach pushing which I felt like I didn’t need anymore once I was pushing into the hardest spot. It really felt like trying to poop out a bowling ball. I just felt like I was not making any progress and needed to fully commit to the ugly faces, the possible poop and tearing- all the possibilities of what was ahead. I had to stop thinking about everyone else and get this baby out. It was a commitment to whatever needed to happen. All the ugliness, messiness, pain and potential harm- the only way out was through.
I told everyone to leave- can everyone leave the room for a while? Yes of course. Except Chris. He said later he thought oh cool I can get breakfast- ha!
I think he was in the tub with me at that point- behind me supporting me- and I was pulling his arms by way of his two middle fingers in each hand with every contraction. And some times the contractions didn’t stop. It just felt like one long continuous push that I could try and disengage from but it didn’t help any. This was one of the more surprising pieces- I thought I would get more ‘rest’ between contractions or pushes. Even when Sara broke my water with her hand, it didn’t really relieve any pressure though I did feel like there was a little less of a brick wall. At some point, they asked if they could come back in and suggested changing the water and I went to push on the toilet. I was tug-of warring with Chris at that point. The tub was nice but I didn’t feel like I had any leverage to push against since it was soft-sided. In retrospect, I wish I’d gone back to our regular bathtub.
They checked baby’s heart rate externally a few times and told me she was okay. I didn’t have any worries about her- I knew she was strong. They asked if I wanted to feel for her and I did- she was two knuckles in and I could feel her hair.
The midwives started making suggestions to get off of the toilet and I really didn’t want to because I could feel I was making progress and I could find a rhythm there. They brought in a birthing chair- it was wood and low to the ground and too small for me- I sort of hobbled / crawled to it. I didn’t fit on it but it was too late to go anywhere and I was just sort of balanced on it on one side of my butt and my hand on the ground. I don’t really remember the pain of the ‘ring of fire’- pain is hard to remember - but I do remember upping my screaming. I just wanted her out already. It had been two hours of pushing and I was exhausted. My legs and abs were shaky. Sara said at one point ‘this is a full body workout’ and I was thinking ‘ I don’t work out’ jokingly but also was surprised at how much my body could do considering how sedentary I’d been most of my pregnancy.
Birth
Chris started saying ‘baby I can see her’ ‘she’s here!’ But I was still in so much pain. They asked if I wanted to reach down and feel her but I felt frozen in my awkward position and wanted to stay focused. Finally, her head was out and in my mind I was gearing up for having to really work to get her body out when she was out and Sara caught her and put her onto me. Chris was sobbing- I was vaguely aware. And there she was- she gave a little cry and then just looked up at me with those eyes that seemed infinitely familiar. She was so calm, she had so much hair. We were connected by the cord. It was 9:08am. In a few moments, Sara started telling me to bear down for the placenta. They told me later they’d seen blood they didn’t want to see so that is why they rushed it- and that came rather easily. There was a lot of blood behind it and they took the baby to have me lay down on the bathroom floor. I’d gotten to hold baby girl for about 10 minutes.
Aftermath
I was so relieved it was over- the pushing anyway- and that she was healthy and calm- that I wasn’t scared. I was just going to do what they needed and trust. They held my uterus and started an IV. Gave me shots of pitocin and pills in the bum. One in the cheek too. At this point, Chris was with baby in the other room attached to her placenta- I wouldn’t let them cut it yet- thought it had a tear from Sara’s traction so they couldn’t let all of the blood go back like I wanted. The placenta had 2 lobes and was super large- they showed it to me as I laid on the floor. Heather was holding my hand and telling me I did a good job. The 3 midwives were working on me. They were very calm and very fast. At one point they mentioned the hospital but I was really wanting to dismiss that as a possibility. We’d already made it this far! The uterine palpations (they call it massage but that is too kind of a word) hurt like hell but not like labor. And were compounded by the fact that I had to pee badly. They said I could go in a pan but there was no way I could go like that- even after all of this, I still have a shy bladder. They brought baby back to me to try feeding. It was clumsy but we got a little colostrum out. I couldn’t use one arm because of IV so it made it extra difficult. I was surprisingly okay being a little separated from her because Chris had her and because she was so calm. I bled about 1100 CCs. Anything over 500 is concerning and over 1000 they usually want to take you in is how I remember it. They brought me a banana and coconut water on the floor. I ended up laying there for 2 hours.
A comical moment was when there was a knock at the door downstairs. One of the midwives went to answer it and it was a plumbing inspector for the garage water filter I’d forgotten about. The midwife tried to get them what they needed since they said it would be quick but couldn’t find things and I eventually said they just need to come back another time when I hadn’t just given birth in the bathroom!
The rest of the day was a blur. I was really pale but overall felt better than being pregnant. I had to basically crawl to the bathroom so I wouldn’t feel faint. I cuddled baby skin to skin, she fed nonstop. Chris and Heather fed me. The baby exam was perfect and she was smaller than we all thought at 7lb 8 oz and 19.5” long- very average. The size 1 diapers were too big. We facetimed some people. I got so many beautiful notes of encouragement and about people lighting candles- that was the first I cried, reading those.
It was all so fast in the sense that once it started I didn’t get any breaks. My analogy is it’s like thinking you are gonna be on a long haul flight cross country where you need to take snacks and create playlists and instead you’re put on a fighter jet. You get there faster but you’re afraid for your life and just hanging on. I would not have wanted a longer labor but it took a long time for my brain to catch up with what happened. Even now, a month later, I feel a certain sadness in missing the pregnant belly. I realized at some point that I was missing having her all to myself, having that special feeling no one else could ever feel. And I didn’t get to say goodbye to that version of me. In the chaos of fast labor. I loved Chris talking to my belly. I loved her feet sticking out my sides, her little kicks and butt pushing out next to my belly button. Even the cervical punches and uncomfortable movement- they were all magic. And with the belly gone, it’s like they can’t be remembered in the same way. That space is gone- phantom room in my body that miraculously appeared and disappeared even faster. So while I do not miss being pregnant, exactly, there is a certain quality to it that I miss. It’s so fleeting and I maybe treated it like it was forever.
It’s all so very magical how we get here.
2/28/23
When I wrote this I said something to the effect that I didn’t have a transcendent experience. My perspective has shifted greatly from that. I had an incredibly human experience- maybe the most raw human experience one can have- it includes all the bodily fluids, all the power of this physical form, all of the depth of love one can receive and give. I’m in awe of my body, how it’s recovered, how it’s nourished my 98 percentile one year old every day, 8-10 times a day for an entire year. How it’s endured almost two years of lessened movement and interrupted sleep, how it’s given me this amazing precious hilarious wild child that I get to watch and guard and love and snuggle. How it keeps me here, to FEEL everything, every emotion, every sensation. How it remembers. I’m so so grateful. I’m embarrassed of my complaining, of my rushing to the next thing, my wishing for the next phase, but these are human emotions too. It is all profound, it is all transcendent.
I also wrote almost all of this from inside my experience, before looking at any of the beautiful photographs Heather took. Some are hard to look at still, all of my raw emotion and messiness that I admire in others and cringe at in myself (thank you, patriarchal programming). The biggest thing I got to experience differently from the photos was the support from Chris and his full love. I felt it in every moment during labor. Sara would say, when I was having a hard time coping, to feel him there, to feel his love and his arms around me, and it would immediately bring me down where I could handle the next contraction. But seeing it in photos, oh my, it brings so many tears. His love is so deep for me and baby girl, so reliable, so steady. I absolutely could not and would not have done this without him.
I’ve written a little about Chris’ support over this last year here and there but when I tell you this is a man of service… He has made probably no less than 500 breakfasts and served most of them to me in bed. Yes, two breakfasts a day. That is just one small example of what he has done to support me in postpartum, I could give a thousand more. I’ve not always been grateful or receptive, I can be very critical and demanding, especially when overwhelmed and there’s nothing like a year of raising a baby to create overwhelm.
We have an alarm set for tomorrow at 9:08 to honor the moment and our sweet Selene Jade’s entry into the world. I call her baby girl throughout this piece because we didn’t name her until she was 3 days old! Maybe I’ll write a little more about her name sometime soon.
I feel so incredibly grateful for this experience. I really wouldn’t change a thing. The maturation I have felt over the last year is exponential (along with the bone tired mom brain and body). Everything is softer, fuller, messier and fleeting. And it’s true you can’t really remember the pain or the trials- we’d probably all be only children if we did.