on babies

I love babies.

This was a very vulnerable thing for me to admit for many years- it felt too close to the core of who I am and like such a mushy gooey thing to love and be in tune with. I wanted to be harder, tougher, more ‘ambitious’ than what I thought this meant.

Our culture doesn’t value babies or their care because they cost money and don’t create it. They demand presence and full attention. They’re very inconvenient.

I’ve felt this connection since I was a tiny babe myself. I started caring for my little brother when I was 4 and other peoples’ babies when I was 6 or 7 in the church nursery (which had the added bonus of getting to skip Sunday school).  My baby dolls were real to me and if there was a baby somewhere we went in public, I’d drop everything to be near them. My sister was born when I was 12 and I got to be a little second mommy to her. I babysat and nannied for years and I’ve bonded deeply with many babies, especially close friends babies, sometimes traveling long distances to be near when they’re young.

I considered doula work when I was younger but quickly dismissed it- it was too ‘crunchy’, it didn’t match my boss babe image I wanted to create, and it didn’t pay enough to cover my seemingly endless student loans. I also still had somewhat of a cringe factor with actual birth- I’d always been squeamish and didn’t know how I’d do with witnessing it. What I’ve realized is my squeamishness is actually related to the medical system and intervention not the body itself.

Finally in 2020, I had a dream I was giving birth and being attended by other women and I woke up with a clear knowing this was on my path. I enrolled in birth doula training in the fall before we moved to Hawaii.

The training was deep and beautiful and gave me a foundation of childbirth knowledge to carry as I added emotional and spiritual layers to this knowing. Watching hundreds of births online was some of the best preparation for birth I did.

We are meant to witness birth from a young age. Our hyper masculinized culture has us believe it needs to be sterilized and medicalized in hospitals. That babies need to be trained to sleep and swaddled tightly and put in other rooms away from mama. We’re so far away from our nature that coming back in alignment seems impossible at times.

I digress a bit. I could talk about these topics all day.

But back to my story- I had finally found the person I wanted a family with and we were finally ready. I got pregnant easily at 37 but had a very rough first half with hyperemesis gravidarum (HG; extreme, debilitating nausea). I didn’t drive for four months and barely left the house- hell barely left the bed or couch. This was not what I expected after so many years of wanting to be pregnant. I remember crying to Chris ‘how can I be so bad at something I wanted so much?!’ So many lessons in this it deserves its own post.

And then fast forward to having my own newborn! What a dream come true. I was actually so excited to wake up with her (yes the sleep deprivation is exhausting but that excitement to be her mama still happens). It feels like such a privilege after literal decades of yearning.

While I’ve had some of the hyper vigilance that is normal with motherhood, I’ve generally felt pretty relaxed as a mom. It’s one thing I know I was meant to do and I speak baby and understand baby needs and physics. It comes naturally with all the years of experience and while it’s definitely harder to be mom than caretaker or sister, it’s also more rewarding.

I know lots of women wanting to be mamas don’t have this foundation and some don’t even know they want to be moms till later in life. We are not set up to know what to expect and the millions of choices involved in pregnancy, birth and beyond are overwhelming.

I’m going to start working with women and their partners who are looking to conceive or are already expecting. We’ll either meet up (if local to portland) or work over zoom. Sessions will be tailored to exactly where you are- the level of preparation you want, the fears and expectations you have, the choices you need to make and when. There will be guided visualizations and meditations.

Send me a message or leave a comment if you’re interested and we’ll have an intro call to see if it’s a good fit.