on desire

What is it that you truly want for your life? Can you even feel what the changes are you’d like to make? Or have you self-edited so much that you can’t reach them?

The first voice is the true one. This is the quiet one that sees something and says oh, I want that life… or I want to feel that way.

The second voice is the monitor. It is usually not your voice but that of your detractors’ that you’ve adopted. This is the one that says ‘you’re not xyz enough to have that.’ or ‘who do you think you are.’ It tries to save you from disappointment but actually keeps you from your true desire.

What is your relationship to desire?

When I first started hearing and using this word in my work with teachers, it kinda made my skin crawl.  It feels like a word from a perfume commercial.  The way I look at it now is our language is limited and this word helps differentiate from ‘wanting’ which is usually more ego-driven and superficial. Desires are those deeper things that our bodies and souls want for us. 

Desires can be very old and innate- like my desire to be a mother- and they can be things that come up in the moment- a desire for rest when everything else indicates you need to be doing and going. 

I have a deep desire to create in the world. I can’t really explain it, it’s just something that drives me and makes me feel restless if that energy isn’t moving. It’s probably similar to how runners feel if they can’t run. 

I find that when I’m not getting something I think I want, I need to dig deeper into what the true desire is. What am I looking to feel? Is it driven by external factors like validation and approval? Or is it driven by something more true, something that may not even have a reason I can articulate? What do I believe I will have to lose? Whose opinion or love may be on the line?