on slowness
I’ve been low to the ground for over 2 years now. It’s been humbling and frustrating at times. My mind wants to go so much faster, to accomplish and create so much more, to have more ‘to show for it.’
But my body has led the way: do less. Go slowly. Eat more. Rest.
It’s especially hard when I have days like today where I have a trusted nanny to watch Selene and let me do what I need to do. My mind goes ok! Now is our chance! Get busy! Look at this endless to do list! Let’s go!
The punishing voice says: don’t be lazy, don’t waste this time, what are you paying someone for- so you can sit around? Your business will never be bigger at this rate. You’ll never get to all the creative projects you want to at this pace.
And my body says: finally. We can rest. Nap first. Nourish next. Listen closely to what I need. Attend to me and everything else will be easier. Everything else can wait.
Prioritizing this is the hardest thing. I don’t always listen. A lot of days I can’t. But today I can, today I have the space.
Physical healing is my priority this year. I’ve written a little about my sleep / airway/ jaw / palate journey. I’m about 8 weeks into myofunctional therapy and my face and tongue are getting stronger. We’re preparing for my tongue tie release procedure and eventual MSE surgery. It’s very slow and tedious work- two months into a more than two year process.
I signed up for Functional Patterns 10 week training course back in March and I’m on week 5. I could push ahead and ignore that my body is not ready for more but I’ve done this before and always paid for it in injury and illness. Healing from pregnancy and immobility is so very slow.
Also working through the nutrition course by Wild Lyon Wellness, a little at a time. I’ve been following a few pro-metabolic nutritionists for a couple of years now and very slowly have been building in habits and ways of eating that support my mineral intake, blood sugar and hormones using primarily foods instead of the supplements I relied on for years. This takes careful attention to meal planning and prep, not eating out often and eating more frequently. My body was severely depleted from so many years of undereating, drinking and stress.
Pregnancy is a magnifier of underlying issues and I see how prepping for pregnancy is really critical- much longer than I did. But the truth is, I would have muddled along not seeking more answers without Selene coming through.
I get discouraged some days of why I have to do all of this. I can’t help but compare myself to people with seemingly endless energy while doing so much more. That is not my path right now and the days I am in acceptance of that, things are smooth. The days I’m in comparison and wishing things were different- not so much.
Motherhood is really low to the ground by nature- routine, naps, feeding, cleaning, caring for someone who cannot care for themselves- dealing with illness and teething. The changes and phases are gradual. The rewards are milestones and giggles and hugs. Simplicity, patience, presence.
My thoughts and share for this Wednesday. Now it’s time to nap.