to my body: a letter

Dear body

I put you through so much and continue to expect a lot. I’ve deprived you of sleep, food and water. I’ve fed you horrible poisons, some knowingly and some unknowingly. I’ve caused you pain in the name of beauty- constrictive and uncomfortable clothing, tampons, thongs, high heels, long and toxic hair, skin and nail appointments, workouts that were too harsh and intense. You’ve been sunburned and hungover countless times- begging for protection and hydration. I’ve worked you so hard for money and accolades- all nighters in college, double shifts on my feet, long hours without food in corporate places. shit, even now- I’m prolonging needing lunch and water to write this letter because my fear of time scarcity instead of being with you in the moment. 

my mind has always run the show except for fleeting times when I’ve actually had a real relationship with you.

I’ve extracted and pulled from you when all you wanted was loving touch. I’ve used your external beauty to get the validation and acceptance I think I need. 

I know I listen better than I used to now but I still have a long way to go. I wish you weren’t in pain. I wish you could sleep better when we do have the time, I wish I felt alert in the day and slept deeply at night.  I know we have things we need to address to create a better environment for these things. Sadly, these will create more discomfort and pain first and so I’ve been avoiding them. And it’s also true that this is not the best time to do them.

I’ve rarely focused on creating the environment you need to thrive fully. I’ve outsourced your needs to countless practitioners, looking to be saved from doing the painstaking work that it takes to be in relationship. To hear you.

And in return, you’ve kept going- kept showing up, kept repairing and healing over and over again. And then have given me the ultimate gift of Selene who i’ll be forever grateful for. you selected her beautiful father, you knew the perfect timing and you endured not having enough nutrients to create her and made her perfectly anyway.  And you’ve nourished her for the last 16 months on very little sleep, with me being so critical of the silliest things- wanting to be smaller, wanting to fit old clothes, wanting to look like we used to, not fully understanding that we can no more go back than we can go back to being Selene’s size and age. 

No wonder you’re exhausted.

We’ve spent way too much time on screens, ignoring you and what you’re trying to say with buzzing neck and hands and burning eyes. Still trying to ‘get’ money, recognition, validation.  It looks a little different than the mechanisms I used to use of alcohol and bars and men but no less addictive. It’s definitely not what you want or need. 

The fact that I can’t recognize your beauty without that external mirror, and even then I have a hard time receiving it, says that I really don’t appreciate you. I don’t see you. 

Your needs are rather simple and that’s why my mind doesn’t want to hear them. More barefoot time in the grass, slow walks with Selene and without a phone, time in the sun, time by the water. Well prepared foods and structured, hydrating drinks. Slow movement and strengthening only when we feel like we really have the energy.  more self massage, more time doing nothing and I mean really nothing- lying in a dark room with my hands on myself. more time releasing and focusing on breath. more time grieving and feeling the depths of my emotions.

I’m so grateful for your resilience. I’m so grateful that we’re still here, despite all the risks I have taken with this life. I’m so grateful that because of you I’m a mother to the sweetest, healthiest little being, a girl no less.  I get to raise a woman who will know what it means to listen to her body, to not shame her body for doing what it needs to do to survive and asking for what it needs to thrive.

I’m so sorry- I didn’t know better, and even though I do now, I override you so often. 

I want to fully inhabit this body- the only one I get in this life. To feel your power and your softness. To understand your actual limits, not the ones my mind has imposed. To not push to achieve but to expand. To receive the fullness of this life in this body. To accept you where you are and create the absolute best environment for you to be strong, nourished, rested, mobile, free.

thank you